I was thinking of some things that in my limited experience have shown themselves to be challenges either to others I know with blended families, or my family itself. these thoughts could use much more "fleshing out" but for now I wanted to get them out there. maybe I'll revisit them in the future. at any rate they should lead to some interesting conversations.
Enjoy.
5 mistakes that will sink a blended family.
Mistake 1:
Calling non-biological children “step”.
Calling a child step son / daughter maintains a perceived division within everyone’s mind. It is obvious that they are a part of this family via marriage; yet calling them step reveals that there may not be unconditional love and acceptance. Which is easier to say, “Daughter” or “step daughter”? – As if you have to provide justification as to why you are associated with this child, - remember parents do not need to justify their child’s existence!
To overcome this, first go out of your way - that is; with intention, describe your new son / daughter as your own. Ex. “my son”. Let there be no distinction between biological and non-biological offspring. Second; assign thoughtful and endearing nicknames, these names show your new child that they are a part of this family (note both parents must be on board with this) failure to do so is to maintain distinctions.
Speak as you expect them to be, if you expect your new child to act like one of the family then by your words, treat them as such. The sad reality is that most blended families have their root in divorce. This destruction of family robs children of their security, creates trust issues and can lead to negative behaviors. How you address / introduce your new child reveals their association to the family and if that association is positive it can be a healing balm on divorces wound.
Mistake 2:
Showing favoritism to either biological or non-biological children.
In an effort to cause the non-biological child to feel accepted, it’s easy to overcompensate to the point of neglecting one’s own child. Playing favorites creates a second class of child while two or more are present. It also can be a breeding ground for conflict – especially when each parent brings their own child to the relationship. The parent of the child that does not receive “their due” share of attention may begin to feel resentment toward their spouse. (In the case of overcompensation, this still holds true. One may begin to resent the spouses child; because after all if it wasn't for them, their own child would receive their deserved affection).
To correct this it is imperative to pursue fairness as much as is practical, not every situation will lend itself to this of course, but we need to remember a blended family has a heightened sensitivity to rejection in any form (this quite possibly could be a mild form of insecurity, stemming from the past broken relationship i.e. divorce). And where a perceived (real or not) slight as it relates to attention / affection arises, difficulty within the family relationship is soon to follow.
Mistake 3:
Neglecting the needs of the spouse.We all have emotional and physical needs. A blended family is no exception. Many blended family’s place all their emotional eggs in one basket – the kids. It is no argument that children in blended families have special needs that must be met yet in like fashion mom and dad have needs as well, the husband and wife look to one another for the fulfillment of certain emotional, physical and to some degree spiritual requirements. When children come between these marital fulfillment's the marriage and thus the entire family suffer.
While we must be good parents doing all that that entails, we must remember that more than likely our primary reason for marriage was our own need for marital fulfillment, secondly we must remember no matter how much we love our children, they must leave us, to pursue whatever call is upon their life – and the person we lie down with and wake next to each day will still be there when the kids leave the nest.
To overcome this; be intentional about connecting with your spouse, however you do this spend time away from the kids. It should be time with just you and your spouse. Blended families by definition do not have the luxury of “easing” into the pressures of family life as “traditional” family’s do. (I personally went from single dad to father of 3 within approximately 1 year and added 2 more natural children shortly thereafter).
Mistake 4:
Failing to “weed the garden”
The parents of a blended family must always be on guard for what I like to call weeds; little comments, attitudes, and actions (from within and without) that prove harmful / hurtful. If one does not address these issues in a positive manner as soon as they arise, they grow unchecked and will eventually choke the life out of a family. A blended family must adopt a zero tolerance approach toward any “weed” that would infiltrate.
Mistake 5:
Not possessing a “failure is not an option” mentality (lack of forgiveness)
Statistically a blended family’s chance of survival is minimal, (many cite a 2 year lifespan). With so many internal and external pressures to deal with; the disposable relationship via divorce competing mindset, lack of resources to aid struggling blended families, and an overall misunderstanding / ignorance of the needs and challenges a blended family faces. Building a strong blended family may seem to be an impossible challenge. But the funny thing about impossibilities is they stay that way, until someone proves it’s not impossible. If you want your blended family to “live long and prosper” you must be “willing to go where no man has gone before”. Star trek references aside; you have to be willing to take the hard road, never turning back. This can only be accomplished by purposing to show forgiveness in every situation.
Luther.
