“Finding a life worth saving”.

I’ve been having some difficulty with time management lately. I’ve been so busy (even by American standards) that so many things are falling by the wayside undone. Personal goals and desires are left to stagnate in my proverbial “bucket”. Quite frankly this has bothered me, especially as I am getting older. With a marked loss of energy and physicality; I’m starting to become more aware that some of the things I’ve put in the “future” category very well may be so far out as to go unfinished.

These points have caused me to reflect on the overarching path of my life; who I want to be, vs. who I am. What I find so troubling is that I may run out of time to become who I want to be. Which in turn, causes me to question the sanity of pursuing a path that may not get me to my intended destination; my road to nowhere. And to pour salt into this perceived wound; I came across this verse.

Matthew 16:25 (ESV)
“For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.”

There is a high cost to pursuing the Christian life; one of those costs is time. The time spent at church “whenever the doors are open” costs time with family, time for rest, and time for personal pursuits. Biblical education, and serving the community both within and without the local church all have the same effect upon time. And yet these things keep me on the path to the manifestation of a life that points to Christ. Abandonment is not an option. And so it feels that I am losing my life for the sake of Christ. Surprisingly this does not fill me with abundant joy, on the contrary – lately it feels like mourning. Mourning a life I desire yet may never have.

So why don’t I quit? Why not get off this train? Because I believe that this is God’s best for me, that His desires for my life will prove more rewarding than anything I could aspire to. Adopting another’s will over your own is a hard thing indeed. I can understand how some may be tempted to walk away from the faith. What I find most disconcerting is that I’m not as far removed from that temptation as I had once believed. And there lies the tension of the Christians walk.

Luther